Just a question

Can you leave sum1 while you love them?

Do you leave them because they hurt you or is it because them hurting you has stopped you from loving them?

You are angry at the time we can all understand, but do we really understand. Does that mean anger is stronger than love? Does that make me a bad person, or make you a bad person? Phela kuthiwa love is stronger than pride. How deep did I hurt you? Beacause it is time I face the truth I may never be with you.

Forgive and forget? Forget it.

Rain rhymes with Pain

“Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy,so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, if you turn to Him then with praise,you will be welcome with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain and what do you find? A door slammed in your face and a sound of bloting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away.”

C.S.Lewis

A Grief Observed 

It’s raining. It’s paining. As the pain falls outside, another pain makes me fall on the inside of me.

Question, Why am I alive? Why am I living?

Truth, I don’t know.

That tears me apart everyday cause I just go through life hoping this will be it you know. This will be the day I dropped down and die. My last day on this God forsaken planet. No love, no wife, just a lot of stuff in my life. Stuff to point to as achievements. A house, a car, overdraft in the bank and then what? This don’t love me back. These don’t talk back to you. It’s just a house and not a home. It’s just car and and not a baby as I called. Just stuff.

I lay there everyday thinking of how other people with very little compared to what I have, have so much love in the lives. How their lives are so fulfilled and rewarding. How with the least that they have can live and look forward to the next day. Dream about the future and make plans towards that. But mina, niks, fokol. I have all these women in love with me, all wanting to be with me. Yet mina all I want to do is be with sum1 that I am not sure even wants to hear about me, even worse about us. I am caught up in my past and that is drowning me fast. I love the Katt.

 There is this pain inside of me that leaves me lying awake at nite missing her. I hurt her. I hurt her badly to such an extent that she doubted herself and found fault in herself. Truth is I was the one who was never content with what God had blessed me with. I am the one with a problem. And now I sit here in the valley of tears ke lela metsutsu. Hoping, singing if I could turn back the hands of time. Time. Tick Tock, waits for no man. Pain showing on my face as tears raining down my cheek. I Don’t wanna be here or something drastic must change.

But Lord why does pain rhyme with  rain cause it never stops. With arms wide open

Fan Mail

I just got fan mail about from an unknown somebody whose is very close to my ex. She proclaimed all my ex’s womanly-God-given talents and how I am going to miss them and how she wishes how I would never get someone like her. In fact she wishes emphatically so. I will miss them. I already do.

I just sat there silently and asked myself one question. Why? See the reason for our break-up was to save just that ours (mine if she says, okay). I have never met this woman and I am glad I have not seemingly the feeling is the same with her. Purely because she is not my ex. I wonder now how I am going to go on with life knowing that I have sum1 out there who saw it fit to send me an e-mail about the fact that she wants to express her anger and disgust at my behavior. But what happened between my ex nami will always be a pain in my soul and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I wish, no let me not say it, but now that people like her friends will go to such lengths. What will she do, ye?She said she knows her friend is no saint. I am not but why am I getting JUDGED here like an angel? I just wish she keeps my in her prayers that the Lord Almighty might grant me strength to never hurt another. That her friend might pull through out of her misery and pain, that she might see the evil and dark side of me. And how I wish her prayers come through esp. The one about were I die and go to hell and pay for my sins. Well that’s my prayer. I accept that I am the one with a problem here. I mean all my relationships just end. I need to accept it. I am lousy at relationships and I know you reading this and thinking he is being too hard on himself. I am just being real here. I wish I could stop loving or perhaps stop being loved. Lord I wish you would just take me, pls. Love is hard man. Ho thata ho ba monna when woman love you the way she did and nobody believes you did. Who cares anyway? who gives a s***t how I feel like right now? Who cares about the fact that I have just lost a woman of stature in my life? Who gives an inch about my pain? F**K him I hear the say. Leyanja (that dogg).“I think she really does love you, unfortunately….To think that ke kereka lewena, eishhhh, You are a prayer item.”The funny part is that I love her. You know, leaving sum1 that you still love is never easy. How possible is it I hear you say? I have done it I mean. We were always on each others throats all the time if we were not pretending to our friends how great we are together. But in my heart of hearts I feared the day that love will turn to hate for either of us. What would have happened then I ask? Ye?I will die knowing how much I loved her too, cause the say she loved me. The fact that they felt the need to tell me means I just did not love her.  Gudbye  my lover. Can I still hold your love in my mine?